Hurt...

I hurt myself today...to see if I still feel

When I was a little girl, my mami had superpowers *nod nods*. She so did! I'm serious! This petite plump person, with her bright red hair and a skunk streak in the center of it, twinkling hazel eyes and madonna-like smile, by just using one soft kiss, light stroke with a fingertip or whispered word at my temple could cure an illness, heal a wound, soothe a soul or repair a broken heart.

I focus on the pain...the only thing that's real

She was SuperMami! You didn't need to tell her anything. She just...knew. You couldn't hide anything from her. She just...knew. Unconditional in her love. Astonishing in her ability to fix anything and everything. Courageous in going up against anyone who was doing something to her demon children from hell! Well, my siblings were..I was an angel, dammit..no really...I sooo was!

She was simply...SuperMami.

Everyone I know...goes away in the end

I miss living with her. I miss her. Just her.

Once I hit the age of GTFO, it was time to go out there into the scary world and fend for myself. I did mention I was rather spoiled by her, right? It was owed from the first few years of my life. That's another story in itself.

And here I am several years later still trying to figure out this whole holy-shit-when-the-hell-did-I-become-an-adult-and-how-do-I-work-this-steering-wheel thing. I doubt there's an Adulthood For Dummies on Amazon that I could buy.

I will let you down...I will make you hurt

I wish my mami had taught me that superpower skill of hers. I really, really do. I miss it. I wish for it. I need it...right now. In more ways than anyone who is close to me and understands me knows. (Holy shit! No way! Some people actually do understand me! *gasp*) It's not just something that I remember from when I was a child, it's an actual honest-to-goodness superpower. Not many people have it. Ok..laugh at me if you must and probably already are, calling this stupidity on my part in believing it...but...she used it on me earlier today. And it helped.

Full of broken thoughts...I cannot repair

I was laying in my bed, thoughts running rampant throughout my mind. Unable to sleep, even after almost 3 days of being wide-awake and bouts of being La Llorona(www.fuckinggoogleit.com)and self-medicating, and SuperMami showed up, with a bowl of sopita for me. I hadn't seen her in days, and somehow...she just...knew, that I needed her. I looked from beneath swollen lids at her beautiful face. She may be in her 50s, but in my eyes she will always be that beautiful 15 year old Mexican girl from the portrait that adorns the Gallery of Fame in my hallway.

Beneath the stains of time...the feelings disappear

My mami was the eldest of 17 kids. She grew up with a doormat underaged mother (13) and a Casanova older father (30) in the cane fields of Sinaloa, Mexico. She was beautiful...still is. A petite little thing with porcelain skin, huge wide-spaced hazel eyes, most glorious long bright red hair (and that evil skunk streak at her temple even then), a smattering of freckles across her small pug nose, and a smile that never left her rosebud lips. That was and will always be my mami. As in most cases...as it always has a tendency to happen...my demonic siblings got her looks, and I got the ugly from my papa.

She pretty much brought up both her parents and her 16 siblings..she was the caretaker. I learned that from her. To always put everyone else before myself and take care of them. Something about that being fulfilling for a person, she always told me while growing up. These days...let me tell you...it's not worth it. Because even when you know it's going to fail, you know that it will, yet you strive to work at it so hard that you yourself end up making it fail even faster in the end. The word failure is not in my vocabulary. Yet...I failed..once again. I admit it for the first time in my life. I admit it.

You are someone else...I am still right here

In a flashback from the 80s, I felt myself regress to when I was little and told her in Spanish that I hurt, "mami, me duele". And just as I remembered, she knelt down next to where I was laying (emUtastically by the way) and smiled that beautiful madonna-like smile of hers, shh'd me and stroked my temple, softly kissing while muttering some nonsensical old beaner song. It was only for a few minutes, but it felt like an eternity...a cherished one. In one simple touch, with one simple look, she made it all better again...atleast for the moment. Right now.

And you could have it all...my empire of dirt

I know it won't be that easy, to get "better". There will be more bouts of self-medicating, self-deprecation and self-loathing. It's a given. I know myself. It's what I do. It's what people hate seeing, but it's all I know. And it gets tiresome. To everyone. Even me.

I wear this crown of thorns...upon my liar's chair

But I will drag myself out of this hole, which I dug all by myself...wait...I didn't dig it by myself, not this time. I had help. One doesn't do it alone, I had help whether no one wants to admit it or not. The last time, yes, it was all me. This time, I had help and they will never admit having done it, because per them...I'm a liar...I'm an evil bitch...and a schiz.

Well woop dee doo to you too! Would you like some fries with that gouhou?

If I could start again...a million miles away

No. I don't want to start a million miles away. I want to start..right here..right now. I want to be what I used to be. I want to be happy again. I want to not worry about everyone else. I want to be taken care of for the second time in my life by someone who loves me. Who really does understand me and knows me. My every "schiz", my every "quiet", my every single "emU" nuanced mood. This is me. Just me.

I am not a dictionary or encyclopedia or how-to manual to figure out. I am a very simple person. And if you can't "understand" me, then don't bother, because it just shows that you don't know Jack Shit...and Jack left town a long, long, looooooooooong time ago.

I chased him out of town as I have a wont of doing with a certainness unbeknown...to anyone.

With my...very own...superpowers.

You can stand me up at the gates of hell...

...but

... I won't back down