The Loss Of A Co-Host

Stupid damn dog.

Six years you spent driving me up the damn wall after you grew up. You wouldn't STFU. Yip! Yip! Yap! Yap! Growl! Growl! Yip! Yip! Yap! Yap! Couldn't even have some decent enough fornicatory moments around your psychotic ass because you'd go into KILL mode in the early days. And that's why you got your ass sent to live outside...with your basket and knitted blankets and toys and uber!awesome Cinco made feeding bowls (stupid patent office!) and Homie da Cat. Stupid little shit. Six years you spent driving me up the damn wall...and now...you're dead. Yeah. Dead.

I'm going to miss you. You rabid little cuntrag piece of crap!

The first time I met the future Cujo!Psycho!Mutt was when I lived in the O.C. and my mother brought my nephew over with her. I kept noticing that his shirt pocket would repeatedly wiggle. Wiggle wiggle! Jiggle jiggle! I thought to myself, "Oh great! She's going to leave him here for me to babysit this weekend and he probably brought one of his damn pests. Probably going to end up my damn nose when I'm asleep. GAH!"

Then he took it out of his pocket.

She was this tiny little furby ball. You could fit her in the palm of your hand and then some. A fluff of nothingness white and splashes of black. She was...beautiful.
Somehow..for some reason...she belonged to my nephew, Cebi, and for some odd reason...she stayed after he left...and dM and I ended up with her. Go figure. *shakes head*

She was beautiful.

I would go to work for that piece of shit Fortune 500 company every day back then and worry so much about her. Alone. Silence. Nothing. What if she freakin' drowned in her water bowl?! Not like I could call and ask if she was OK ffs!!! This teeny, tiny, fluffy, quiet, beautiful handful.
SHE DROVE US FUCKING NUTS!!!!! The whole household there in the good old O.C. But the neighbours LOVED her. *sigh* She would piss all over the place. Shit all over the place. EVEN WITH FUCKING TRAINING! Well..I did buy a book on training a puppy...I guess I should admit I failed at this too. *le sighs* Wee-wee pads...these damn pads that look like stretched out diapers for puppies with a scent to them didn't work for HELL. Even at 2 months she was an evil little bitch. Yet....she was so silent, so....furby-like and these liquid brown eyes...good lord...and fluffy and beautiful. You could hold her in your hand and nuzzle her and put her in your pocket and she'd just lean against you and mew like a kitten.

I'm going to miss you. You rabid little cuntrag piece of crap!

At 5 months of age..she found her voice. And let me tell you...Mindless Self Indulgence - Shut Me Up comes to mind. I play that one don't I? *shups*

For six years you drove me UP the wall! With your insane barking and...loving ways. Gawd! I hated you. Yet you always kept me company when I needed some...a look from your brown eyes..was just a reflection of what I was feeling. You would just sit there at my foot, even when I'd kick you away and you'd come back and sit there and look up at me as I washed all those damn dishes. I. HATE. DISHES. When I was hating life you'd try to comfort me and I'd kick you away again and smack your nose and yell at you. Yet..you'd come back and put your little face upon my shoe and look up at me and wag your tail a little.

For six years..you were with me and I hated you.

You were always too damn happy. Especially in the mornings. I HATE THE FUCKING MORNINGS!!! You didn't. You would SMILE! Yes..dogs can smile. (SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DAMN PINCHES WHO DON'T BELIEVE IT!) I hated you.

After work, school whatever it was...it was always while entering the back yard...you would run up all evilly shaking your tail and jumping around and it'd be "Cujo! Cujo! Cujo!" and snuggles and kisses and petting galore...you little shit. You worked it hardcore. My deli tray in the fridge would be gone after being filled up the night before...cause of you. I hated you.
For 3 years while doing my AKA shows...you were my damn co-host. Couldn't shut you the fuck up. Yip! Yip! Yap! Yap! Growl! Growl! Yip! Yip! Yap! Yap! You were worse than that damn ringing phone in the background. I hated you.

I saw you last night as I walked into the backyard..legs hurting and numb from the cold and my heart still aching in more ways than one..and you were wagging that damn tail of yours..you wanted a snuggle. I didn't give it to you though, instead I kicked you away and told you to go to sleep. I yelled it! You actually listened to me for once and went off to hump your pillow. Go figure.

I woke up with a start this morning. I couldn't hear you. Yip! Yip! Yap! Yap! Growl! Growl! Yip! Yip! Yap! Yap! When everyone left. Silence. Then my Nextel went off and it was dM saying "Can you see if Cujo is in the yard?" "Why?", I responded. "I just saw a dog in the road down here that looked just like her. Dead", he said.

Wait..
HOLD ON A FUCKING MINUTE!!!!!!
CUJO????
CUJO????
Pekinese and Chihuaha mix. Double hyper galore. Double angsty, evil, rabid, psychotic dog.
I got out of bed. Silence. I walked out to the patio in barefeet and whistled and...yelled her name.

Nothing.

Mindless Self Indulgence - Shut Me Up.

MALA HIERBA NUNCA MUERE!!!!!!!!! (BAD SEED NEVER DIES!!!!)
Family motto dammit.

I called every animal shelter around...all 7 of them. Nothing. Yet I knew that dM said he saw something like her down the street...laying there...I didn't have the cojones to walk down and check.
I was afraid.
I was a coward.
I didn't want to -know-.
I'm so sorry I didn't treat you right, Cujo.
So I went back to my room and snoozed a bit more, cause I'm hardcore like that...I don't care about NO ONE OR ANYTHING DAMMIT...yeah..and then went to do what I had to do in real life and got back home hours later with some KFC for the GS even though I had promised Chinese homemade cooking. I came home...no evil tail wagging and no new empty deli tray in the fridge or any Yip! Yip! Yap! Yap! Growl! Growl! Yip! Yip! Yap! Yap! from the patio. I lost hope. No. I lost Cujo!Psycho!Mutt.

I got a call from the GS...that they were going to check to see if it was her...Cujo...Psycho...Mutt..down by the street. I said "OK!" I didn't want to think about it.

I hated you. So much.

I can't hear you anymore. You're not here. I can't hear you being the awesome guard dog that you were. How many times did you keep the utility people away from turning Casa!Cinco off???? Especially my DSL? Way too many times. I can't hear you're breathing outside the master bathroom window ...where you always laid down to sleep..or humped that damn couch pillow we gave you..you little piece of shit. I can't hear you anymore.

You were found down the street...furby fluffy as ever...but without a head. Nice.
You were left there..to be taken care of by the city. And all because none of us..especially my hateful ass couldn't see you. We'll regret it..after having had you for six years...but for now...tis best.

Wasn't a car that did that. It was someone who didn't like you. You and your Yip! Yip! Yap! Yap! Growl! Growl! Yip! Yip! Yap! Yap!...you were annoying as hell to the whole culdesac! But you were OURS! Back in my day I learned something...payback be a bitch...and this time...it's name is 'Cujo'.

I hated you.

I lost you and now miss you.

I loved you, Cujo!Psycho!Mutt, though I never told you. I was an evil bitch to you. I yelled and screamed and kicked you and did the whole Apache Love to you. But you never stopped looking at me with your liquidy brown eyes and wagging that damn fluffy tail. We will all miss you. You -were- always the life of our house.

Stupid damn dog.
You were the epitome of your owner.

So what's next in this January of mine? I'm like a country song...
You drank my booze...
You stole my man...
You killed my dog...
What's next?
5 days left.
Bring it on.

How Does It Feel

I spent hours tonight trying to write a post about what I felt...and well..had to delete it all....this is how I feel...

How does it feel runnin' around round round

how does it feel watchin' from upside down

'cos many years from now there will be new sensations

and new temptations

How does it feel

How does it feel right at the start

and how does it feel when you are thrown apart

'cos many years from now there will be new elations

and new frustrations

How does it feel?

Oh! Oh!

Do you know know know what it's like to be searchin' in your own time

all your attempting experimenting all on the climb

do you know know know what it's like to be searchin' and suddenly find

all your illusion, all your confusion all left behind

How does it feel turnin' away

and how does it feel facing another day

'cos many years from now there will be newer poisons

and new horizons

'cos many years from now there will be new tomorrows

and still some sorrows

I couldn't have said it better myself...wait...no I couldn't...Slade did it before me...who knew someone older than me knew anything *gasp* *shock*????...but yet...it's said.
Every single thing I wanted to say.

How does it feel?

Hurt...

I hurt myself today...to see if I still feel

When I was a little girl, my mami had superpowers *nod nods*. She so did! I'm serious! This petite plump person, with her bright red hair and a skunk streak in the center of it, twinkling hazel eyes and madonna-like smile, by just using one soft kiss, light stroke with a fingertip or whispered word at my temple could cure an illness, heal a wound, soothe a soul or repair a broken heart.

I focus on the pain...the only thing that's real

She was SuperMami! You didn't need to tell her anything. She just...knew. You couldn't hide anything from her. She just...knew. Unconditional in her love. Astonishing in her ability to fix anything and everything. Courageous in going up against anyone who was doing something to her demon children from hell! Well, my siblings were..I was an angel, dammit..no really...I sooo was!

She was simply...SuperMami.

Everyone I know...goes away in the end

I miss living with her. I miss her. Just her.

Once I hit the age of GTFO, it was time to go out there into the scary world and fend for myself. I did mention I was rather spoiled by her, right? It was owed from the first few years of my life. That's another story in itself.

And here I am several years later still trying to figure out this whole holy-shit-when-the-hell-did-I-become-an-adult-and-how-do-I-work-this-steering-wheel thing. I doubt there's an Adulthood For Dummies on Amazon that I could buy.

I will let you down...I will make you hurt

I wish my mami had taught me that superpower skill of hers. I really, really do. I miss it. I wish for it. I need it...right now. In more ways than anyone who is close to me and understands me knows. (Holy shit! No way! Some people actually do understand me! *gasp*) It's not just something that I remember from when I was a child, it's an actual honest-to-goodness superpower. Not many people have it. Ok..laugh at me if you must and probably already are, calling this stupidity on my part in believing it...but...she used it on me earlier today. And it helped.

Full of broken thoughts...I cannot repair

I was laying in my bed, thoughts running rampant throughout my mind. Unable to sleep, even after almost 3 days of being wide-awake and bouts of being La Llorona(www.fuckinggoogleit.com)and self-medicating, and SuperMami showed up, with a bowl of sopita for me. I hadn't seen her in days, and somehow...she just...knew, that I needed her. I looked from beneath swollen lids at her beautiful face. She may be in her 50s, but in my eyes she will always be that beautiful 15 year old Mexican girl from the portrait that adorns the Gallery of Fame in my hallway.

Beneath the stains of time...the feelings disappear

My mami was the eldest of 17 kids. She grew up with a doormat underaged mother (13) and a Casanova older father (30) in the cane fields of Sinaloa, Mexico. She was beautiful...still is. A petite little thing with porcelain skin, huge wide-spaced hazel eyes, most glorious long bright red hair (and that evil skunk streak at her temple even then), a smattering of freckles across her small pug nose, and a smile that never left her rosebud lips. That was and will always be my mami. As in most cases...as it always has a tendency to happen...my demonic siblings got her looks, and I got the ugly from my papa.

She pretty much brought up both her parents and her 16 siblings..she was the caretaker. I learned that from her. To always put everyone else before myself and take care of them. Something about that being fulfilling for a person, she always told me while growing up. These days...let me tell you...it's not worth it. Because even when you know it's going to fail, you know that it will, yet you strive to work at it so hard that you yourself end up making it fail even faster in the end. The word failure is not in my vocabulary. Yet...I failed..once again. I admit it for the first time in my life. I admit it.

You are someone else...I am still right here

In a flashback from the 80s, I felt myself regress to when I was little and told her in Spanish that I hurt, "mami, me duele". And just as I remembered, she knelt down next to where I was laying (emUtastically by the way) and smiled that beautiful madonna-like smile of hers, shh'd me and stroked my temple, softly kissing while muttering some nonsensical old beaner song. It was only for a few minutes, but it felt like an eternity...a cherished one. In one simple touch, with one simple look, she made it all better again...atleast for the moment. Right now.

And you could have it all...my empire of dirt

I know it won't be that easy, to get "better". There will be more bouts of self-medicating, self-deprecation and self-loathing. It's a given. I know myself. It's what I do. It's what people hate seeing, but it's all I know. And it gets tiresome. To everyone. Even me.

I wear this crown of thorns...upon my liar's chair

But I will drag myself out of this hole, which I dug all by myself...wait...I didn't dig it by myself, not this time. I had help. One doesn't do it alone, I had help whether no one wants to admit it or not. The last time, yes, it was all me. This time, I had help and they will never admit having done it, because per them...I'm a liar...I'm an evil bitch...and a schiz.

Well woop dee doo to you too! Would you like some fries with that gouhou?

If I could start again...a million miles away

No. I don't want to start a million miles away. I want to start..right here..right now. I want to be what I used to be. I want to be happy again. I want to not worry about everyone else. I want to be taken care of for the second time in my life by someone who loves me. Who really does understand me and knows me. My every "schiz", my every "quiet", my every single "emU" nuanced mood. This is me. Just me.

I am not a dictionary or encyclopedia or how-to manual to figure out. I am a very simple person. And if you can't "understand" me, then don't bother, because it just shows that you don't know Jack Shit...and Jack left town a long, long, looooooooooong time ago.

I chased him out of town as I have a wont of doing with a certainness unbeknown...to anyone.

With my...very own...superpowers.

You can stand me up at the gates of hell...

...but

... I won't back down